We live in a world where some people think that they can dictate the best time for you to get married and have kids. Where people are too quick to judge but never wanted to offer help. It has always been my dream to walk down the aisle wearing a lace gown and carrying tulips. I dream of playing dress up with a baby girl, family trips and even envisioned yearly family photo ops.
Four years after our wedding and here we are sharing one roof with three rescued cats. My vision of having a “perfect family” never happened and I am not sure if it will ever happen. I have been frowned upon by some women when I told them that having babies is not on top of my priorities and was even labeled as a barren woman just because I chose to be childless. While Miguel was perfectly okay with it, I still came to a point when I became too desperate to have a baby. I ditched my contraceptive pills and we even considered adopting a relative’s kid. I was almost convinced that my life is worthless because I couldn’t bear a child. I struggled for months and I am just grateful that Miguel was there to constantly remind me that our marriage still matters to him even without kids. I realized that I should stop worrying about the things that I do not have control of. If I can’t have a baby naturally – then I should just let things be.
Last year, we visited an OB because I had an unusual menstrual cramps. Tests were made and I was told that I am healthy and can conceive anytime (fertile). I had mixed emotions. It came as a surprise because the idea of having a baby no longer excites me.
Two months later, I was not given a permit by our office physician to undergo an X-ray because my period was delayed for more than a month. I was so used to being carefree and not tracking my monthly cycle because I never experienced being pregnant. I was also busy working two jobs. I was helping a friend turned client for an almost pro-bono deal. I thought I was already pregnant but I wasn’t.
Had this happened to me two years ago, it would mean the world to me. I would have been depressed but after all that Miguel and I have been through, I could care less about what people think of me. This is my body, no one can dictate when I should have a baby or if I really should. Because a person who’s truly happy would be so busy minding their own businesses. The people who makes fun of childless couples are people who are inviting you to accompany them with their misery.
I am childless, but I am happy as I chose to be.